The Breast Choice?

In the back of my mind I've been tossing an idea around for a few weeks now. Breast feeding vs. Formula feeding. I didn't feel comfortable even acknowledging planned formula feeding as a possibility until Erica from Mi Todo was featured on another blog discussing her personal decision.

Erica is a woman I can respect, perhaps even more fully now, because of her drive. She knows what she wants and strives for it. She honestly works for what she wants. I know so many people these days who if they can't do it, they won't try, and will even most likely belittle whatever the subject is to validate their own feelings. Weak.

When I first saw that Erica was formula feeding I felt like I could relate- with Miss K I was unable to breastfeed, despite numerous Lactation Specialists and consultations and gadgets, anatomically K and I weren't matching up. Later I read that she was formula feeding by choice. My first thoughts of course were of the generic judgemental "Breast is best" variety.

Secretly that was envy. Because today society tells mothers that you're not doing the best by your child if you don't breast feed.  That you don't love your child because you're not providing the best nourishment.

I pumped with K, for 6 months. I suffered from sleep deprivation and hormone induced migraines, I forgot to eat, I didn't leave the house or have any human contact, I coveted breast milk, I resented my child. All because breast was best. And after all that work I was still being looked down on, and still receiving snide remarks because I CHOSE to pump rather then suffer more emotional damage (I had severe post partum depression) by consistently struggling for a latch and being rejected by a newborn. I was looked down on because I wasn't giving my child the physical contact that was so important according to "Their" standards.

So I co-slept and ended up loosing my bed, my haven, for the next year in order to make up for it. I made so many sacrifices because of the "Breast is Best" campaign. Please don't misunderstand I would gladly make all those sacrifices again, and more, a million times over for my precious girl. But the hours I spent away from her in the ER with horrible crippling migraines, the time I spent angry, hiding and resentful of her, the times I cried and hated myself... those times could have been better spent cherishing and loving my little newborn.

Now that Miss S's arrival is nearing I'm starting to wonder if I can do all that anger and hate and resentful sacrifice again, with a toddler on top of it. In my mind it boils down to "Breast is Best" vs. Love. Is breast feeding really worth being an angry resentful parent? I rather give my girls all my love and devotion and formula feed than risk emotional damage to them or myself. I rather not miss out on cherishing what little time we have together in these younger years. Breast may be best, but is it best for our family, and for me? I'm not so sure.

If that makes me a bad parent, so be it.

I plan on attempting to breast feed with S, and if she can't latch then I plan on formula feeding. And that is okay. Either way, I look forward to the peace of mind of knowing my child is fed, rather then worrying if I can feed her "naturally." I look forward to loving her, cherishing her, and sharing her and her joy with her sister. I don't have to live in fear of breast feeding, I don't have to live in dread, because I know no matter what happens, I have the experience and knowledge to parent my girls fully with love. And I sincerely believe that that is what's best.