How I'm a Stay at Home Mom

If you read our formal introduction you know that I am legally disabled and yet I'm also a single stay at home mom. Even I think that sounds like an oxymoron, trust me.

I've always wanted to be a mom. I have a lot of interests but my passion has always been children. I didn't want to grow up to be an astronaut or a princess. I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to raise children, to be the main source of love in another persons life. Sounds a little co-dependent, and it probably is, but that was my dream.

What I never intended on was being a single mom. I strongly believe in the family unit. But more importantly I believe in a healthy loving environment for my children. And that is my number one priority, it will not be sacrificed. So suffice it to say, if your not already reading between the lines, that there are certain relationships are healthier when they are not romantic, and there are certain people who quite simply don't know what they're missing out on. But I digress.

When I had Kelly I was renting a small trailer. Being on disability means I have a very small and very limited income, and child support doesn't exactly have me rolling in the dough. For the time being that was enough space for myself and an inactive small child. But K was learning how to walk, and I was pregnant with Sadie, so something had to change.

I knew I was going to be a single mom to two and I had a choice to make, I could go out and try to find some work that would cancel out my disability and cost it's entire worth to keep the girls in day care, or I could let my inner hippie out.

Today our household does a lot of green things not only because they're more cost effective, but because they're better for the environment. Like cut out paper goods, we use rags instead of paper towels, and actual plates and silverware! We buy secondhand. We make our own cleaning products. Hell, Kelly still even showers with me sometimes. Granted there is a lot more I want to do, but just doesn't make sense for our living situation at the moment (like cloth diapering).

My point is I hear a lot of women talk about not being able to afford to stay at home, but still get their nails done, tote a iPhone and DVR their fav HBO shows. A part of me thinks that this level of involvement in their children's lives isn't really as much of a priority for some women. But a bigger part thinks that maybe no ones pointed out how much you can save by cutting out luxuries.

Several SAHMs I've talked to tell me how being a stay at home parent is like a job for them. They take care of the children not just meeting their physical needs but their educational ones too (my favorite aspect of being a SAHM), they keep the house clean (my least favorite), they manage the household needs. [Quick PSA: There is a difference between managing and addressing needs. Managing is knowing when and where the best sale on the 24 pack of TP that will last you 3.5 months is. Addressing is buying the TP.] And they keep their families happy not in spite of, but because they go with out things like TV or fancy phones, they make things like growing their own food fun and educational not a financial necessity.

My personal experience turned tangent point is, there is a sense of pride in providing for your family even if it isn't in a financial sense. I felt shame for a while to admit that I don't work, despite not being able to! That is ludicrous. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to stay home and teach my children, connect with them, and manage our household in a fashion that allows us to live like hippie kings rather then hipster paupers.

Tell me, what's one thing your household does that makes it possible to better connect and still be financially fit?

2 Under 2 Tips- Newborn Photos

Recently was S's newborn portraits, and our mini family portrait shoot. We went to the same place I had K's done (and her's were kind of spur of the moment), and I wore the same outfit, insisted on several of the same poses... we even had the same girl taking them. Yeah it was a bit neurotic like only your favorite Mama could pull off.

The entire process reminded me of when K had her photos done, and how unprepared I felt. This time was similar, but luckily I'm in the "Well, whatever" stage of parenting these girls... more on that later. Anyways, night before I had searched for tips on what to pack and bring and such, with no success. Obviously there is a hole in the World Wide Web, one which I'm about to attempt to fill. So with out any further long winded ado...

Mama's Tips for 2 Under 2 Photography

(alright it's still long winded, sorry)

• Keep it Simple Stupid- With K's newborn photos I brought 5 outfits. She only wore two, and we only bought prints of one. Now with a single child, feel free to go crazy. But when your dressing two squirmers please heed my advice, and keep it simple. This time K wore 1 outfit the whole time. S wore a simple onesie up until photo time, at which point I changed her into her sleeper, later I took off the sleeper and we had a few in the onesie with some pants, and finally a few simple diaper shots. Nothing is cuter then a naked baby, except a giggling naked baby.
• Bring Back Ups Though!- K was an easy child, S on the other hand.... Well lets just say Spit Up happens (and so does shit). I know I just said Keep it Simple, but for the littlest in your brood bring a back up. I also had a back up shirt for myself- With K I spilled soda down my front before we even got to the studio, luckily then I had a back up shirt too, but it wasn't my first choice. This time I wore my second choice up until photo time, then did a quick change. This rule also goes for things like blankets, because again spit up happens.
• Distractions & Edibles- For K food is a distraction. I made sure to bring relatively mess free snacks (wheat thins and raisins) and some water for her. I meant to grab her puzzle book, but as we were running out the door I forgot it. I was frazzled trying to get to an early morning appointment, which brings me to my next point:
• Don't Schedule Early!- AM hours are pretty much ick for anyone I think, especially with a newborn, even more with a newborn and a cranky toddler. I had every intention of waking up early to do my hair- didn't happen. Result being that very few pictures of me are what I deem acceptable. Another down side? K was so cranky by the end she was screaming, because we woke up early for photos and it went on into her nap time. She was exhausted. Luckily I had help.
• Bring another pair of hands- This along with Distractions & Edibles are great for when the toddler doesn't need to be in the picture. Which when trying to shoot a fussy newborn, is a lot. We brought my dad, and K spent about 60% of the time there playing with grandpa, while I tried to keep S content enough not to scream every time the flash went off. 
• Rotate- Dad helped feed S when K was being photographed, and when K lost focus we would switch. When S would start to fuss again, we'd switch back. I think it kept the temper tantrums at bay a lot longer and made both girls a lot more pleasant to work with.
• Arrive Early- Get comfortable with your surroundings, make sure everyone is fed and content and has clean diapers or empty bladders. There is nothing like pee breaks and diaper changes to ruin a groove.
• Stand for what you want- I went in this time knowing exactly what I wanted, and no screaming child, or fussing newborn, or line of customers was deterring me. They're only this small and precious for so long, and I'm probably not going to remember it very well, so I'll be damned if I spent all that time, energy, patience and effort for something I'm just "ehh" about. By the same token, don't go in blind, do some research, don't expect miracles and you won't end up possibly disappointed. 

A Formal Introduction

Now that S is here, and we've gotten into some what of a swing of things, I'd like to finally and officially introduce you all to our complete little family. All anonymity aside.

Meet Sam aka Mama
  I'm Sam, but mostly I go by Mama. I'm legally disabled. I'm young. I'm a single stay-at-home-mom. I'm a gemini. I used to have a substance problem, but I've worked past that. I love food. I hate to cook. I went to an art school, but my passions lay elsewhere. I have a short attention span. I love to read. I love to explore. I love heat. I love family, comfort and safety. I love expending energy. I love new and dangerous. Mostly I love.

Meet Kelly aka K1 (or K)
  Kelly's my oldest daughter. She's... beyond words, but I'll try. She's loving, so loving. She loves like the love she's been shown, which is a lot. We have some beautiful people in our lives, and they've shown Kelly how to be pretty amazing too. Kelly loves to dance, and to talk, she'll chatter away for hours. She loves books too, at least twice a day we have to put all her books back on the shelf- in both her room and the play area. Kelly is helpful, she takes pride in it, and I do too. And she is so smart, probably because she's so curious. She hasn't discovered the word why yet, but that isn't stopping her from asking questions. She points and her little voice will lift at the end of "mama?" she'll turn her big blue eyes on me waiting for information. She's also coy, secretive and a little bit of a rebel- she hears the word no often, and there's hardly a day where I'm chasing after her yelling her name in a panic, she wants to go and she wants to know.

Meet Kassidy aka K2 (or S) 

  Kassidy, who we mostly call Sadie, is my youngest child. We haven't gotten to know each other very well yet honestly, but I have to say she has the sweetest smile. She reminds me a lot of her sister, and when Kelly isn't around I sometimes forget that Sadie isn't her! I'm sure the sleep deprivation helps with that confusion.
   She seems like she has a great capacity to be as sweet and curious (and devilish) as her sister, time will tell. Until then I'm reveling in her quickly fading newness.


And there you have our little family :) I've been pretty cautious for a while about our names, but really it's taxing to go back and edit every single blog post, not to mention confusing as hell. The anonymity was a preventative measure for something I now realize isn't even a possibility. So now we have a bit of breathing room and a bit of room to be honest in. Gotta say, I'm enjoying it. Nice to meet you! And nice to be met!!

2'fer Tuesday

2'fer Tuesday Survey


1. Ages? 
K: 18 Months, 4 Weeks
S: 2 Weeks

2. What's went on this last week?
  For starters we had several appointments including one that required me to be away from both the girls for the first time since... well, since I became pregnant! Scariest two hours of my life. I had a chiropractor appointment, then was able to wander on my own for an hour.  I thought about enjoying myself, then felt so guilty I ended up spending money I really couldn't afford to spend on buying the girls gifts. Don't worry, I already put them aside for Christmas.
  We also had our first double play date, which was actually an excuse to round up all the kids and dump them on my friend's teenage cousin and sister while my girlfriend colored and cut my hair.
  Then there was 4th of July, we went to a friend's bbq/birthday party and I was going to just be done there- but I didn't want to deprive K of an experience just because of S being so little. So we went and saw the fireworks anyways. I kept S in the sling, well insulated with my hands over her ears for the whole 30 minute show. She was startled at first, but didn't mind much after the first minute or two. K was enthralled for about the same amount of time, then wanted to run out on the field with her light up wand that her uncle had bought her. We managed to keep her seated and entertained through the rest of the show though- then booked it home!
  Finally this week was the first week that farmers market transitioned into "Olde Town Market," where regular vendors and bands all join in the fun to sell their goods as well. I took the girls for a quick stroll through, K had her first corn dog, S had a good nap, and I swallowed a hot dog whole while maneuvering a sit'n'stand one handed through a pack crowd. All in all a very successful trip!


3. What are the challenges we dealt with (or continue to deal with)?
  S began to refuse the boob Tuesday afternoon. We're officially a formula family, and I'm honestly somewhat relieved. Emotionally I couldn't afford the struggle of latching, or rather being rejected, and time-wise our little family just can't afford for me to pump, plus my supply started to drop despite the fenugreek. I'm a little disappointed, but I keep reminding myself formula is not child abuse, she will be just fine, and I did what was best for the whole family.
  Good news about the formula is it's helping S pack on weight and shake the jaundice a bit quicker. She had blood work done last that was a bit concerning, but when we went in Thursday her color was fantastic and she had gained a bit (although not a good amount, it was still in the comfortable range). As long as this keeps up she may be able to avoid admission to the hospital for free tanning :)
  Overall I'm doing a lot better too. I'm getting a little more sleep, and getting a little more done through out the day. I feel like even though the plane may still be spiraling out of control,  I'm able to keep everyone calm. I have made a couple of important appointments though, one concerning postpartum depression- something I've suffered through in the past, and one for addressing my back pain which has actually gotten worse since delivery. Hopefully both can quickly and easily be addressed. The PPD is a temporary thing in my experience, and only lasts about 4 months for me, but if it isn't addressed it can get pretty serious, something I'm not willing to risk. The back issue however, is concerning. At times it's hard for me to even lift S, and the chiropractor so far has served as only an extremely temporary relief.

4. Any milestones reached this last week?
K: New word is purple. And I've noticed she wears a lot of it! "Held" sissy for the first time this week too. Didn't get any good pictures of that though :(
S: Super alert at times, waking up more often, almost jaundice free. We also had our first scream free diaper change! And we're starting to fit comfortably (as opposed to swimming) in 0-3 month sizes.

5. How are you feeling about having 2 at this point?
  Blessed. I'm supposed to feel blessed right? Kidding, I really am grateful, my life feels almost complete. I feel like this was the next right thing, and I'm positively soaring with joy at how fantastic (although intimidating and overwhelming) life is. S is getting into a rough schedule, which means I'm getting more quality time with K as well.

6. Any Mommy Epiphanies?
   Caffeine good.

Still alive!

Yes, I am still alive! And working on a few blog posts, including Miss K2's birth story. Life is just a little... disorganized right now. Not impossible, not insanely overwhelming, just disorganized. Bare with me....

I'm going to start filling out a weekly survey for the girls, I've adapted it from another survey and as our family grows and changes hopefully this will too in order to better present the current states of our lives that are quickly slipping away. It's called 2'fer Tuesday and it starts tomorrow.

Also I'm going to start talking about getting healthy. I know this is a blog about Mama stuff and little girl things, but I believe this falls under "Mama Stuff." I'm not talking about getting skinny, or buff or whatever. And I certainly don't intend to turn this into a diet and exercise blog, or come off like a guru, or start some movement. I'm just talking about feeling better, and not just when I look in the mirror... I'll save the "Feeling Better" speech for that post though.

Basically I plan to have at least 2 regular weekly posts beyond Wordless Wednesday. And I intend on other frequent (but not regular) posts about parenting subjects as well.And maybe not even just parenting stuff, maybe just long rambling "odes to the burp" kind of stuff that I'll label parenting and expect no one to question. Speaking of which, side note: it is adorable how S can't for the life of her drink an entire bottle- no matter how much is in there she always leaves about half an ounce left.

Anyways, this is just a check in to say, well, I'll be checking in more often!! Now I have to go plan Christmas!

Currently

Thinking about: Possums are creepy. And how weird it is for S to only be a day old, but I feel like I've known her forever.

Anticipating: Going home tomorrow morning.

Listening to: History Channel and some sweet soft suckling noises.

Eating: Crunchy Peanut Butter Clif Bar :)

Wishing: I could stuff this joy in a locket and wear it over my heart for ever.

The Last Bumpdate 38 Weeks, 3 Days

• Size of baby: 8+ lbs.
• Symptoms: Pain. Some contractions. Frightening levels of Amniotic fluid
• Fetal Movement: I can watch my stomach move as she practices her breathing.
• Sleep: Restless,
• Cravings: Burger King
• Best Scariest Moment this Week: Explaining to K what's going to be happening the next couple of days....
• What I Look Forward To: Tomorrow.

This is my last bumpdate ladies and imaginary gentleman (like men read anything, let alone this, pff). I have an induction scheduled for tonight at 8PM PST. I am not going to be having my natural, labor at home, go to the hospital 5 minutes away birth. I will be driving to a much bigger hospital an hour away for my second induction.

Today I had my bi-weekly NST, my weekly AFI and my weekly check in with the doctor. The non-stress test went great! S was back to her active ways. AFI (where they measure amniotic fluid) was not okay. My numbers are up even further, to the 30 range. So the doctor scheduled me for an induction tonight. Yeah. Totally not freaking out or anything- don't worry.

That's total BS. I'm flipping my lid every five seconds. I do not want another induction. I do not like risking a C-Section, and I am not ready to be a mommy of two.

But I'm not the dealer at this card table, I just play the hand that's dealt. So right now roughly 3 hours before I leave for my induction, I'm about to quadruple check my bags, clean my house and try to remember to breathe. I have a post scheduled for later this week, and will hopefully have a new baby to show off come wordless wednesday (and the time and energy to post it). Please keep my little family and our quickly approaching transition in your prayers!!

Our Last Summertime

Pre-K Summertime was careless. Sunburns were welcome, camping trips were spur of the moment and clothing was extremely optional.

K being a December baby, and a difficult one at that, I spent most of my last "Child Free" summer pregnant and laid up on bed rest. No camping, beach, festivals or fairs, which is a real bummer because I missed the memo on not being able to adequately enjoy those things "Post-Baby." It's hard to enjoy the I'm-gonna-die terror of the Zipper at the fair when you know you've yet to write out your will, ya feel me? And loosing your top after a thorough round of tubing isn't quite as acceptable now that you're a mother. Not that I mind that last change... loosing and replacing that many bikini tops was starting to become a full time gig.

Last summer K and I enjoyed a good amount of huge firsts that I failed horribly in documenting. Like her first camping trip (she did fabulous co-sleeping in the tent with me), campfire, boat ride, beach trip, and parade.  We also enjoyed a variety of things that while seaming small were huge in our world... her first BBQ food, first ice cream, her first time on a swing, her first sunburn (oops), and her first weekend away from mommy.

Set for a Summertime Stroll

This summer, our adventuring is more limited due to the fact that I am ridiculously pregnant. We have yet to go to the beach (and probably won't), camping is just not happening, and while we made it to a fair, we did little more then stroll about taking in the sights, swing a little and eating lunchables in the shade. And even that was so wearing that we didn't manage to make it out for the parade the next morning, even though the route was literally 2 blocks from the house.

It's hard to be melancholy at all the experiences we're "missing" though when I step back and look at the bigger picture. This is really not a weather-dictated series of exciting events to enjoy, but the end of one big event that we may not have been able to truly cherish until now- this summer marks the end. The end of our "duo" era. Soon the K girls will come in a pair, and with Mama we'll make 3, and so begin a whole new era, full of seasons of various adventures.

So now instead of scolding myself for missing the 5-float local parade, or being annoyed I'm not cleaning sand out of my gratuitous buns, I'm simply relishing what is possible: our last summer, and our upcoming future. Put on your shades love, it looks bright.

I'm linking up here....

Currently

Thinking about: Heartburn, Evening Primrose Oil, how exhausting not having a baby can be, and finances.

Anticipating: Very little! 

Listening to: SILENCE! So nice....

Eating: Nothing. May be why I have heartburn, but if I eat something than that's sure to cause more, not willing to risk it. 

Wishing: I wish it was time to have this baby, I'm so very tired of thigh contractions, nausea and worrying.

The Baby Shower and an Epiphany

One of the many adorable outfits S received.

Saturday was my baby shower. I know it's a bit controversial to some to have a shower for a second child, or when children are so closely spaced, or when they're the same sex, but I'm blessed with some loving friends and family who absolutely insisted on throwing a celebration for K2.

"Every baby deserves a celebration" I was told, and who am I to deny S of her first party? I also have no shame in saying that there are a few things I still needed, but haven't been in the financial position to be able to afford just yet.  And by "needed" I mean really wanted but probably could have lived with out- like extra crib sheets, bumpers for the crib, a bigger diaper bag, etc.

Well I got all that and so much more. So much more. I mean S already has 60+ articles of clothing in just the NB sizes, not including what I still had from K or socks, mittens, shoes or bibs either. She received a bathtub that has a whirlpool feature! And shower spout! On top of all that two of the women got together the money to purchase my car seat. It was ordered today, and should arrive by Thursday at the latest, when I'll be hitting 36 weeks.

The Diaper Bag

36 weeks is also when my local hospital will deliver S if she does decide to come early, which as you might have read in a few previous posts, is kind of a concern of mine. I've basically been told since 20 weeks that I wouldn't make it to 37 weeks. Therefore, being the obsessive control freak I secretly am, I wanted to get this whole rodeo over and done with as soon as possible.

But alas! I also unfortunately, love a few obsessive control freaks, who happen to be my best friends, and also happened to be the ones insisting on throwing the shower. Actually, that's not the unfortunate part, the unfortunate part is that both of them had booked weekends through out almost my entire pregnancy. The only date they both could agree on was 13 days before that unreachable, unattainable 37 weeks.

In retrospect, I can see the way they may have benefited from leaving it until the last minute. Instead of spending the whole time breathing down their necks about insignificant details, I spent most my time obsessing over what should or shouldn't be purchased before the shower with what little money was available, and if I'd be able to afford the things I do or did need should I not receive them.

Of course, I received absolutely everything I needed, and in excess in most cases. I also received every thing I wanted too. Even more, I received things I didn't know I wanted or needed, like my best friend's oldest child's baby blanket.

Our girls, despite being 12 years apart in age are as close as sisters, K adores D, and D adores her right back. In fact, D adores K so much that she called me the other day asking if she could give up a few hours of her summertime freedom every day to come and help out with K, so I can have some time to take care of the house and take care of S with out stressing about a hardly supervised or ignored toddler.

Helping K open her baby shower gift: Dora Microphone & Necklace

And that's exactly the kind of thing that made this baby shower a huge success, and one of the happiest memories of recent times for me. Everyone made it their goal to include K on this, they went out of their way. There was never a point that afternoon where I had to worry if she felt ignored, or left out, or confused and overwhelmed. Every time she wandered by the chair I had been sentenced to she had her new Dora Microphone in hand, and if she wasn't directly in sight all I had to do was scan the laps of the women around me. I'm so worried about how K will handle not being my main focus, I worry that she'll feel less important to all the other people who currently adore her. I am terrified that she might even once for half a second feel forgotten. I'm not worried if I can love another child, or love them both equally, I have no doubt I can. My fear is that I just won't be able to give enough of myself to both of them, and that they won't just resent me for it, but will resent each other as well.

This fear consumes me sometimes, but less recently as I've had a spiritual awakening of sorts. All my life I've had fears, and I've had worries, and I've obsessed over them and tried to control them and run my self ragged trying to make what I think should be come in to existence. 99% of the time those fears never come to life, things I never considered happen, amazing things happen. It's only when I spend all my time worrying and trying to control or fix things that it all goes horribly awry. And then not only am I left with a mess of failed expectations, but I also find myself regretting all the time and energy I spent predetermining the situation. Time and energy I could have spent living in the moment, with the blessings I had currently at that time.

So today I'm putting my fears aside, and rededicating myself to the last few days alone with K. To appreciate every moment as a single solitary gem, not to anxiously anticipate what they'll build up to. The very best way to make these the best days is to simply participate in them, and that is what I intend to do!

Mama Musings: Labor, Hormones and General Insanity

I have a theory, that every woman, with in 2-3 weeks of giving birth, goes through this stage of certified insanity. And I don't mean scrubbing the baseboards with a toothbrush crazy, or driving everyone to the clinic to get their whooping cough vaccines, or making a tutu crib skirt (ehm). I don't mean crying because you have hairy legs, I mean crying because your poor legs have to put up with being hairy, because they really don't deserve such mistreatment. I mean off the wall, emotional train-wreck crazy.

I don't have to much experience with this theory myself. With K I was induced, so while I may have been in that crazy zone, there is no evidence that it was labor related. But from what I've witnessed of loved one's pregnancies, there's comes a point where you start to question if you should really be trusting this woman with a newborn then BAM the crazy is gone, and a newborn is here to replace it. Or in some cases the crazy is on pause, but this isn't a postpartum post.

My musings are eventually coming to a point and the point is this: Could the insanity be an indicator of nearing labor? Or am I just another desperate woman looking for signs in stars and tea leaves? Have you noticed anything similar?

Isn't this pretty? No idea what it is.

Anyone who knows me may not say I am the most rational person, they probably wouldn't say I'm the most down to earth, or focused, or calm, some would be hard pressed to declare me sane at all, and I don't blame them! But one thing almost everyone would agree on is that I am by all appearances not a high strung, sensitive or even emotional person. I do have feelings, I'm sure you've noticed that, and I'm capable of reveling in them and enjoying them just like everyone else. The problem, if you want to call it that, is I rarely show them. That is until recently....

Recently I've been crying over things like forgetting to put away the bread, or the way I think people are looking at me. I can make jokes about how huge everyone has recently begun insisting I am, then have a good thirty minute cry when changing my sheets is discovered to be impossible on my own. And it's not the simple fact that I'm crying, it's the emotional charge up that leads to the crying. I quickly go to a point of anger or frustration over the littlest things and then something inside snaps- and instead of finding a rational solution, or just simply walking away even, I resort to a huffing, puffing, snotty large lump.

Several people assure me I'm "right where I'm supposed to be." That the way I feel is based on the level of pain I've been in, the amount of sleep I've gotten, the level of stress I'm under, etc. I agree those are perfectly rational reasons, except 2+2+2 does not equal 100. And I am operating at 100% crazy now.

My theory boils down to this: As we all know, all sorts of hormones are constantly pulsing through our bodies, especially during pregnancy. When a woman nears labor extra hormones are released to prepare her pelvis, ligaments, uterus, cervix and so on. Some hormones also have greater impact on our feelings, so could it be that the hormones my cervix is stewing in currently are also the ones that make any rational human being run for the hills?

And if so, why would humans evolve this way? It just doesn't seem to fit with the concept of self preservation. Please, someone shed some light on this for me, because I really do not trust my own thinking currently, and honestly... like any other irrational woman, I don't want hormones to be "the cause," deep down I want you to tell me my feelings are real, and they are justified and it will be okay princess- even though I know that's not true.