How I'm a Stay at Home Mom

If you read our formal introduction you know that I am legally disabled and yet I'm also a single stay at home mom. Even I think that sounds like an oxymoron, trust me.

I've always wanted to be a mom. I have a lot of interests but my passion has always been children. I didn't want to grow up to be an astronaut or a princess. I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to raise children, to be the main source of love in another persons life. Sounds a little co-dependent, and it probably is, but that was my dream.

What I never intended on was being a single mom. I strongly believe in the family unit. But more importantly I believe in a healthy loving environment for my children. And that is my number one priority, it will not be sacrificed. So suffice it to say, if your not already reading between the lines, that there are certain relationships are healthier when they are not romantic, and there are certain people who quite simply don't know what they're missing out on. But I digress.

When I had Kelly I was renting a small trailer. Being on disability means I have a very small and very limited income, and child support doesn't exactly have me rolling in the dough. For the time being that was enough space for myself and an inactive small child. But K was learning how to walk, and I was pregnant with Sadie, so something had to change.

I knew I was going to be a single mom to two and I had a choice to make, I could go out and try to find some work that would cancel out my disability and cost it's entire worth to keep the girls in day care, or I could let my inner hippie out.

Today our household does a lot of green things not only because they're more cost effective, but because they're better for the environment. Like cut out paper goods, we use rags instead of paper towels, and actual plates and silverware! We buy secondhand. We make our own cleaning products. Hell, Kelly still even showers with me sometimes. Granted there is a lot more I want to do, but just doesn't make sense for our living situation at the moment (like cloth diapering).

My point is I hear a lot of women talk about not being able to afford to stay at home, but still get their nails done, tote a iPhone and DVR their fav HBO shows. A part of me thinks that this level of involvement in their children's lives isn't really as much of a priority for some women. But a bigger part thinks that maybe no ones pointed out how much you can save by cutting out luxuries.

Several SAHMs I've talked to tell me how being a stay at home parent is like a job for them. They take care of the children not just meeting their physical needs but their educational ones too (my favorite aspect of being a SAHM), they keep the house clean (my least favorite), they manage the household needs. [Quick PSA: There is a difference between managing and addressing needs. Managing is knowing when and where the best sale on the 24 pack of TP that will last you 3.5 months is. Addressing is buying the TP.] And they keep their families happy not in spite of, but because they go with out things like TV or fancy phones, they make things like growing their own food fun and educational not a financial necessity.

My personal experience turned tangent point is, there is a sense of pride in providing for your family even if it isn't in a financial sense. I felt shame for a while to admit that I don't work, despite not being able to! That is ludicrous. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to stay home and teach my children, connect with them, and manage our household in a fashion that allows us to live like hippie kings rather then hipster paupers.

Tell me, what's one thing your household does that makes it possible to better connect and still be financially fit?

2'fer Tuesday

2'fer Tuesday Survey


1. Ages? 
K: 18 Months, 4 Weeks
S: 2 Weeks

2. What's went on this last week?
  For starters we had several appointments including one that required me to be away from both the girls for the first time since... well, since I became pregnant! Scariest two hours of my life. I had a chiropractor appointment, then was able to wander on my own for an hour.  I thought about enjoying myself, then felt so guilty I ended up spending money I really couldn't afford to spend on buying the girls gifts. Don't worry, I already put them aside for Christmas.
  We also had our first double play date, which was actually an excuse to round up all the kids and dump them on my friend's teenage cousin and sister while my girlfriend colored and cut my hair.
  Then there was 4th of July, we went to a friend's bbq/birthday party and I was going to just be done there- but I didn't want to deprive K of an experience just because of S being so little. So we went and saw the fireworks anyways. I kept S in the sling, well insulated with my hands over her ears for the whole 30 minute show. She was startled at first, but didn't mind much after the first minute or two. K was enthralled for about the same amount of time, then wanted to run out on the field with her light up wand that her uncle had bought her. We managed to keep her seated and entertained through the rest of the show though- then booked it home!
  Finally this week was the first week that farmers market transitioned into "Olde Town Market," where regular vendors and bands all join in the fun to sell their goods as well. I took the girls for a quick stroll through, K had her first corn dog, S had a good nap, and I swallowed a hot dog whole while maneuvering a sit'n'stand one handed through a pack crowd. All in all a very successful trip!


3. What are the challenges we dealt with (or continue to deal with)?
  S began to refuse the boob Tuesday afternoon. We're officially a formula family, and I'm honestly somewhat relieved. Emotionally I couldn't afford the struggle of latching, or rather being rejected, and time-wise our little family just can't afford for me to pump, plus my supply started to drop despite the fenugreek. I'm a little disappointed, but I keep reminding myself formula is not child abuse, she will be just fine, and I did what was best for the whole family.
  Good news about the formula is it's helping S pack on weight and shake the jaundice a bit quicker. She had blood work done last that was a bit concerning, but when we went in Thursday her color was fantastic and she had gained a bit (although not a good amount, it was still in the comfortable range). As long as this keeps up she may be able to avoid admission to the hospital for free tanning :)
  Overall I'm doing a lot better too. I'm getting a little more sleep, and getting a little more done through out the day. I feel like even though the plane may still be spiraling out of control,  I'm able to keep everyone calm. I have made a couple of important appointments though, one concerning postpartum depression- something I've suffered through in the past, and one for addressing my back pain which has actually gotten worse since delivery. Hopefully both can quickly and easily be addressed. The PPD is a temporary thing in my experience, and only lasts about 4 months for me, but if it isn't addressed it can get pretty serious, something I'm not willing to risk. The back issue however, is concerning. At times it's hard for me to even lift S, and the chiropractor so far has served as only an extremely temporary relief.

4. Any milestones reached this last week?
K: New word is purple. And I've noticed she wears a lot of it! "Held" sissy for the first time this week too. Didn't get any good pictures of that though :(
S: Super alert at times, waking up more often, almost jaundice free. We also had our first scream free diaper change! And we're starting to fit comfortably (as opposed to swimming) in 0-3 month sizes.

5. How are you feeling about having 2 at this point?
  Blessed. I'm supposed to feel blessed right? Kidding, I really am grateful, my life feels almost complete. I feel like this was the next right thing, and I'm positively soaring with joy at how fantastic (although intimidating and overwhelming) life is. S is getting into a rough schedule, which means I'm getting more quality time with K as well.

6. Any Mommy Epiphanies?
   Caffeine good.

Still alive!

Yes, I am still alive! And working on a few blog posts, including Miss K2's birth story. Life is just a little... disorganized right now. Not impossible, not insanely overwhelming, just disorganized. Bare with me....

I'm going to start filling out a weekly survey for the girls, I've adapted it from another survey and as our family grows and changes hopefully this will too in order to better present the current states of our lives that are quickly slipping away. It's called 2'fer Tuesday and it starts tomorrow.

Also I'm going to start talking about getting healthy. I know this is a blog about Mama stuff and little girl things, but I believe this falls under "Mama Stuff." I'm not talking about getting skinny, or buff or whatever. And I certainly don't intend to turn this into a diet and exercise blog, or come off like a guru, or start some movement. I'm just talking about feeling better, and not just when I look in the mirror... I'll save the "Feeling Better" speech for that post though.

Basically I plan to have at least 2 regular weekly posts beyond Wordless Wednesday. And I intend on other frequent (but not regular) posts about parenting subjects as well.And maybe not even just parenting stuff, maybe just long rambling "odes to the burp" kind of stuff that I'll label parenting and expect no one to question. Speaking of which, side note: it is adorable how S can't for the life of her drink an entire bottle- no matter how much is in there she always leaves about half an ounce left.

Anyways, this is just a check in to say, well, I'll be checking in more often!! Now I have to go plan Christmas!

The Baby Shower and an Epiphany

One of the many adorable outfits S received.

Saturday was my baby shower. I know it's a bit controversial to some to have a shower for a second child, or when children are so closely spaced, or when they're the same sex, but I'm blessed with some loving friends and family who absolutely insisted on throwing a celebration for K2.

"Every baby deserves a celebration" I was told, and who am I to deny S of her first party? I also have no shame in saying that there are a few things I still needed, but haven't been in the financial position to be able to afford just yet.  And by "needed" I mean really wanted but probably could have lived with out- like extra crib sheets, bumpers for the crib, a bigger diaper bag, etc.

Well I got all that and so much more. So much more. I mean S already has 60+ articles of clothing in just the NB sizes, not including what I still had from K or socks, mittens, shoes or bibs either. She received a bathtub that has a whirlpool feature! And shower spout! On top of all that two of the women got together the money to purchase my car seat. It was ordered today, and should arrive by Thursday at the latest, when I'll be hitting 36 weeks.

The Diaper Bag

36 weeks is also when my local hospital will deliver S if she does decide to come early, which as you might have read in a few previous posts, is kind of a concern of mine. I've basically been told since 20 weeks that I wouldn't make it to 37 weeks. Therefore, being the obsessive control freak I secretly am, I wanted to get this whole rodeo over and done with as soon as possible.

But alas! I also unfortunately, love a few obsessive control freaks, who happen to be my best friends, and also happened to be the ones insisting on throwing the shower. Actually, that's not the unfortunate part, the unfortunate part is that both of them had booked weekends through out almost my entire pregnancy. The only date they both could agree on was 13 days before that unreachable, unattainable 37 weeks.

In retrospect, I can see the way they may have benefited from leaving it until the last minute. Instead of spending the whole time breathing down their necks about insignificant details, I spent most my time obsessing over what should or shouldn't be purchased before the shower with what little money was available, and if I'd be able to afford the things I do or did need should I not receive them.

Of course, I received absolutely everything I needed, and in excess in most cases. I also received every thing I wanted too. Even more, I received things I didn't know I wanted or needed, like my best friend's oldest child's baby blanket.

Our girls, despite being 12 years apart in age are as close as sisters, K adores D, and D adores her right back. In fact, D adores K so much that she called me the other day asking if she could give up a few hours of her summertime freedom every day to come and help out with K, so I can have some time to take care of the house and take care of S with out stressing about a hardly supervised or ignored toddler.

Helping K open her baby shower gift: Dora Microphone & Necklace

And that's exactly the kind of thing that made this baby shower a huge success, and one of the happiest memories of recent times for me. Everyone made it their goal to include K on this, they went out of their way. There was never a point that afternoon where I had to worry if she felt ignored, or left out, or confused and overwhelmed. Every time she wandered by the chair I had been sentenced to she had her new Dora Microphone in hand, and if she wasn't directly in sight all I had to do was scan the laps of the women around me. I'm so worried about how K will handle not being my main focus, I worry that she'll feel less important to all the other people who currently adore her. I am terrified that she might even once for half a second feel forgotten. I'm not worried if I can love another child, or love them both equally, I have no doubt I can. My fear is that I just won't be able to give enough of myself to both of them, and that they won't just resent me for it, but will resent each other as well.

This fear consumes me sometimes, but less recently as I've had a spiritual awakening of sorts. All my life I've had fears, and I've had worries, and I've obsessed over them and tried to control them and run my self ragged trying to make what I think should be come in to existence. 99% of the time those fears never come to life, things I never considered happen, amazing things happen. It's only when I spend all my time worrying and trying to control or fix things that it all goes horribly awry. And then not only am I left with a mess of failed expectations, but I also find myself regretting all the time and energy I spent predetermining the situation. Time and energy I could have spent living in the moment, with the blessings I had currently at that time.

So today I'm putting my fears aside, and rededicating myself to the last few days alone with K. To appreciate every moment as a single solitary gem, not to anxiously anticipate what they'll build up to. The very best way to make these the best days is to simply participate in them, and that is what I intend to do!

The Hospital Bag

I have this giant Andy Warhol tote that I adore. It's been perfect as a emergency gym bag, as a day trip bag, beach bag and even a camping bag. But my favorite use for it thus far has been as my Hospital Bag. I used it when K was born, it held my laptop, my lucky pj pants, a going home outfit for me, a pair of Uggs, two going home outfits for K, and her blanket, my shower kit, my hand held breast pump and a bunch of other random things I never used.

I can't even remember now the other stuff I packed. Except for socks and my robe. I bought special socks for this special occasion that matched a special robe that I bought for the special occasion. I packed the super fluffy robe and special socks. I never once took them out or used them. I remember looking at them post birth, while sweating away 15 lbs, wondering why in the hell I'd want to layer up at a time like this. It was also mid December, in the middle of a cold snap.

Funny how those little things are over looked when talking to soon to be moms. No one mentioned to me that I'd be sweating hard enough after birth that one could assume I was practically going through menopause in the Sahara.  

PSA: Hormonal detox is nothing to just skip over ladies. Do your part, and fully inform the next generation of the entire birthing process. Moms don't let new Moms freak out unnecessarily for to long, no matter how funny it is.

Anyways, now with some experience under my belt here's my list. Now bare in mind I'm you're favorite neurotic mama, so realize how hard it is for me to not plan for every contingency, but keep it to simple necessities.

The "Pretty Me" Stuff: 
It's all contained in this pretty green and purple make up bag, because I'm all about organization remember? Going counter clockwise:

• Arbonne Face Kit: Scrub, toner, wash and face lotion
• Tooth Brush & Tooth Paste
• Hair Stuffs: Comb, Bobby Pins, Head Band, Hair Tie, "Clippy"
• Chapstick: EOS brand, lemon flavored. LOVE this stuff, better than crack- not that I would know.
• Jewelry pouch: So I can easily keep track of my rings and necklace! 
• XL-With-Wings-Overnight-Pads: For the trip home, in case this new hospital has crap not worth hijacking. 
• Shower stuffs: Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Deodorant, Loofa and Lotion

The "Dress Me" Stuff:
When packing I've been taught to keep with a consistent color code so it's easier to mix and match as needed. This is basically it, minus one more tank top and a pair of maternity jeans.

• Striped "Lucky" PJ Pants 
• Blue Dress: With K I wore a dress over some yoga pants home. I plan on doing the same with maternity jeans, unless it's exceptionally hot or I have a C-Section.
• 4 Tank Tops: 2 with built in bras, and 2 thicker ones to throw on in case of company. Don't want to put an eye out.
• XL Panties: For going home. Nuff said.
• Socks: Because this time, I very well may change my mind. 
• Not pictured: A sweater and shoes! I'll hopefully be wearing some slip ons when I go in, in case they're to tight or ruined (ick amniotic fluid) I'll have a pair of flip flops packed, and if I'm as swollen as I was last time, I always have the option of sending someone to my home for slippers! Basically the same applies for a sweater. 

The "K2" Stuff:  First, I know that is not a real boppy, but it's the same concept, except more comfortable, I love it. Second, no that is not going int the bag, obviously it will not fit. 

•  S's going home outfit(s) One in newborn and one in preemie sizes. K came home swimming in a newborn outfit, we had to go out the next day and buy her some clothes to wear for those first two weeks! Also included are Hats and Booties
• "Boppy"
• Formula some people will tell you to not even let formula into your house if you plan on breast feeding. To each their own. But based on my decision and my experience, I rather have it on hand. With K she lost so much weight the first few days that they simply stuck a bottle in her mouth without asking, if S is going to be bottle fed I rather start her off with the exact bottle and formula I wish to use, rather then having to adjust her to it a few days later.
• Not shown: Blanket, Car Seat, Bottle. Blanket and car seat are to be kept in the car until time to go. Bottle isn't in there because, well, I haven't bought any yet! 

The "Last Minute" Stuff: Basically the stuff I use to consistently to pack away already. There's no picture because I'm using it. Some of it as we speak!

• Laptop & Charger
• Phone Charger 

Along with these things I'll have a towel and a trash bag set out next to my bag just in case my water breaks and I end up having some one random driving me to the hospital. I may put a spare dress with that stuff too, so I can change into something dry before the drive.

Well there you have it folks, my hospital bag. Want to know the best part? It all fits very nicely with plenty of space to spare. Space that is perfect for stealing all those hospital goodies you hear about.

Tell me, what's in your bag? And what do you plan on leaving room for?

Oh and this just in now you can Follow my blog with Bloglovin!

Little Less List-less

About a week and a half ago, I checked in with a neurotic list of lists that I still had yet to make (and then of course accomplish) for S's imminent arrival. I've been working on the lists themselves, and accomplishing them but still feeling incredibly inefficient! So I'm returning to my original list of lists to do a sort of inventory on my accomplishments in the past ten days (ten? Already??):

• Hospital Bag Checklist- List is finished, bag is almost packed. All that's left to do is put everything in the car, and have what needs to be grabbed last minute in an orderly area.
• K's Overnight Bag Checklist- The list has been made, but the packing has yet to be accomplished. This weekend I plan on cleaning the bag, and packing up the appropriate items, then printing the clothing list and keeping it by her bedroom door so I can toss it together last minute if need be. Grandpa will also have a copy of the list along with a copy of the house keys so he can toss it together if push comes to shove. For simplicities sake I need to organize the drawer into outfits so no one has to do much thinking when the time comes. Just grab and go.
• Diaper Bag Checklist- Another one where the list has been made, but the bag has yet to be packed. But seeing as I won't have my dream bag in my hands until the second of June, I can totally blame this lack of advancement on that. 
• Things That Still Need to be Washed Checklist- Another one that I can't really accomplish until after the baby shower. Everything that can be washed though, has by now.
• Important Paperwork Checklist- Basically this was just Emergency Care Authorizations and copies of insurance information for all of K's possible sitters for the next couple of months.
• Bill Pay Checklist- Knowing my luck I'll go into labor on the second, and all my bills are due on the third. Just in case I can't pay them myself, I've written down all the explicit instructions, pins and pass codes to my bill pay information and handed them over to my father. Now as long as I don't go into labor on the 3rd, we should be alright. If I do, I think I'll pay my bills before going to the hospital....
• Important Purchases Before S Comes Checklist- The list is made (and ever changing) and slowly being accomplished.
• Important Things to do Before S Comes Checklist- Another list that is ever changing, but made and being accomplished, the majority of what's left will be accomplished this weekend in fact! 

When I review this, I realize that really I've done basically all I can do for now. Which explains why I'm so obsessed with what I'm currently unable to do, like purchasing a car seat.

Yes, despite all my planning I do not have a car seat. I planned on reusing K's infant carrier, but being the worrier that I am, I went ahead and checked for recalls and yes, it had in fact been recalled. Of course I didn't check until half way through this month when immediately replacing it was financially impossible. I decided I'd use the time between checks to thoroughly research which car seat would be best for us, and I really think I found the perfect one. But I can't justify spending that much on a car seat!

So instead I began plotting how to replace the previous carrier in an affordable fashion and I came down to 2 courses of action. I could wait until Babies R Us had their semi annual trade in event, where I could use the old carrier to get 25% off the new one (and simultaneously get rid of the old one!), I could wait until after my baby shower, and then return all of the excess for store credit to use on the carrier.

Unfortunately both plans contain my Kryptonite: Waiting. When you look over my list of lists (and the lists with in it) you may notice that half of them involve some amount of waiting still. A lot of things are dependent on my baby shower being over, and as my baby shower is only a few days before my newest due date*, that leaves me with very little time to get quite a bit done. So, yeah I'm stressed!

I had been combing Craigslist in the even that I would come across a carrier that I liked better, for a better price. Then it just became about a better price, because the peace of mind of having one now is well worth not getting exactly what I want. And I'm happy to say I found one! I found a great one, for a great price. I've been emailing the owner and at this point the only concern is if it's expired. The brand's website says their carriers expire five years after the date manufactured. The owner was surprised that they do expire, and doesn't remember what year she bought it, both of which aren't particularly positive signs. She said she'll check and let me know.  So again I wait.

Seems like lately I can't catch a break!

The Breast Choice?

In the back of my mind I've been tossing an idea around for a few weeks now. Breast feeding vs. Formula feeding. I didn't feel comfortable even acknowledging planned formula feeding as a possibility until Erica from Mi Todo was featured on another blog discussing her personal decision.

Erica is a woman I can respect, perhaps even more fully now, because of her drive. She knows what she wants and strives for it. She honestly works for what she wants. I know so many people these days who if they can't do it, they won't try, and will even most likely belittle whatever the subject is to validate their own feelings. Weak.

When I first saw that Erica was formula feeding I felt like I could relate- with Miss K I was unable to breastfeed, despite numerous Lactation Specialists and consultations and gadgets, anatomically K and I weren't matching up. Later I read that she was formula feeding by choice. My first thoughts of course were of the generic judgemental "Breast is best" variety.

Secretly that was envy. Because today society tells mothers that you're not doing the best by your child if you don't breast feed.  That you don't love your child because you're not providing the best nourishment.

I pumped with K, for 6 months. I suffered from sleep deprivation and hormone induced migraines, I forgot to eat, I didn't leave the house or have any human contact, I coveted breast milk, I resented my child. All because breast was best. And after all that work I was still being looked down on, and still receiving snide remarks because I CHOSE to pump rather then suffer more emotional damage (I had severe post partum depression) by consistently struggling for a latch and being rejected by a newborn. I was looked down on because I wasn't giving my child the physical contact that was so important according to "Their" standards.

So I co-slept and ended up loosing my bed, my haven, for the next year in order to make up for it. I made so many sacrifices because of the "Breast is Best" campaign. Please don't misunderstand I would gladly make all those sacrifices again, and more, a million times over for my precious girl. But the hours I spent away from her in the ER with horrible crippling migraines, the time I spent angry, hiding and resentful of her, the times I cried and hated myself... those times could have been better spent cherishing and loving my little newborn.

Now that Miss S's arrival is nearing I'm starting to wonder if I can do all that anger and hate and resentful sacrifice again, with a toddler on top of it. In my mind it boils down to "Breast is Best" vs. Love. Is breast feeding really worth being an angry resentful parent? I rather give my girls all my love and devotion and formula feed than risk emotional damage to them or myself. I rather not miss out on cherishing what little time we have together in these younger years. Breast may be best, but is it best for our family, and for me? I'm not so sure.

If that makes me a bad parent, so be it.

I plan on attempting to breast feed with S, and if she can't latch then I plan on formula feeding. And that is okay. Either way, I look forward to the peace of mind of knowing my child is fed, rather then worrying if I can feed her "naturally." I look forward to loving her, cherishing her, and sharing her and her joy with her sister. I don't have to live in fear of breast feeding, I don't have to live in dread, because I know no matter what happens, I have the experience and knowledge to parent my girls fully with love. And I sincerely believe that that is what's best.