Bumpdate: 37 Weeks

Please ignore my messy house and horrible stretchmarks!

• Size of baby: 8 lbs according to the ultrasound, give or take a 1/2 lb.
• Symptoms: Contractions, more stretch marks, full blown non-dilating labor :/
• Fetal Movement: She's typically pretty still, being as smooshed a she is.
• Sleep: If I stop nesting long enough to sleep, then I'm out like a light.
• Cravings: Carbs!
• Best Moment this Week: Ultrasound. Finally getting all the baby clothes washed, sorted and stored appropriately!
• What I Look Forward To: Not being in on-again-off-again labor anymore. Please, I'm so tired!!

This week I had to have another ultrasound because I was measuring small again. S is fine, as both the doc and I expected, actually she's a little big! Also I have excess fluid again, actually really excess this time. But the concern last time was it causing preterm labor, and now that I'm term, that's not a realistic issue! However now it means there's an increased risk of cord prolapse, or S turning breech at the last minute. Everyone seems to agree though that based on S's behavior thus far, it isn't a big concern, she seems pretty content in her head down, super low position. Final concern this week was my blood pressure. With K I was induced because of my blood pressure. Doc says it isn't as much of a concern yet. But we'll be keeping an eye on it.

That being said I've had some boogers recently from down under, and a small show. So really, any day now. I thought today was the day actually, but despite every other factor of labor being in play, my cervix refuses to dilate. I guess it still has 3 weeks to cooperate and clean up it's act though!

Wordless Wednesday

Currently

Thinking about: Heartburn, Evening Primrose Oil, how exhausting not having a baby can be, and finances.

Anticipating: Very little! 

Listening to: SILENCE! So nice....

Eating: Nothing. May be why I have heartburn, but if I eat something than that's sure to cause more, not willing to risk it. 

Wishing: I wish it was time to have this baby, I'm so very tired of thigh contractions, nausea and worrying.

Bumpdate: 36 Weeks

• Size of baby: Almost 6 lbs! Sheesh!
• Symptoms: Sciatica! Horrible Sciatica, but the contractions are pretty much gone. Only other issue is my entire belly is so tender. Oh and new stretchmarks... obviously not happy about that.
• Fetal Movement: Her movement has slowed down and become more deliberate again. I think one of us is going through a growing phase resulting in her not having enough room for theatrics.
• Sleep: I either sleep fantastically, or the sciatic pain keeps me up all night.
• Cravings: Fast food. Spicy things. Oriental.  
• Best Moment this Week: Baby Shower of course :) Receiving the car seat, setting up the crib finally. Sorting and hanging, and sorting and rehanging, and folding and storing, and washing... and washing... and washing all those baby clothes. Not in that order of course. Of course lots of stockpiling type shopping- I shouldn't need to leave my house for a few weeks after S is here for anything more than appointments. And finally getting to this point! Now that I am 36 weeks there is no reason for my local hospital to send me south again, and they won't try to stop labor at this point either.
• What I Look Forward To: Getting this kid OUT. I know that's really insensitive, but what I mean is I look forward to the combined excitement of having a newborn, expanding my family and meeting another person I get to spend the rest of my life with. And the relief of being able to touch my toes. Or even see them. I think I have a hang nail. Really, there's several things below the belt that need to be addressed. 

Wordless Wednesday

The Baby Shower and an Epiphany

One of the many adorable outfits S received.

Saturday was my baby shower. I know it's a bit controversial to some to have a shower for a second child, or when children are so closely spaced, or when they're the same sex, but I'm blessed with some loving friends and family who absolutely insisted on throwing a celebration for K2.

"Every baby deserves a celebration" I was told, and who am I to deny S of her first party? I also have no shame in saying that there are a few things I still needed, but haven't been in the financial position to be able to afford just yet.  And by "needed" I mean really wanted but probably could have lived with out- like extra crib sheets, bumpers for the crib, a bigger diaper bag, etc.

Well I got all that and so much more. So much more. I mean S already has 60+ articles of clothing in just the NB sizes, not including what I still had from K or socks, mittens, shoes or bibs either. She received a bathtub that has a whirlpool feature! And shower spout! On top of all that two of the women got together the money to purchase my car seat. It was ordered today, and should arrive by Thursday at the latest, when I'll be hitting 36 weeks.

The Diaper Bag

36 weeks is also when my local hospital will deliver S if she does decide to come early, which as you might have read in a few previous posts, is kind of a concern of mine. I've basically been told since 20 weeks that I wouldn't make it to 37 weeks. Therefore, being the obsessive control freak I secretly am, I wanted to get this whole rodeo over and done with as soon as possible.

But alas! I also unfortunately, love a few obsessive control freaks, who happen to be my best friends, and also happened to be the ones insisting on throwing the shower. Actually, that's not the unfortunate part, the unfortunate part is that both of them had booked weekends through out almost my entire pregnancy. The only date they both could agree on was 13 days before that unreachable, unattainable 37 weeks.

In retrospect, I can see the way they may have benefited from leaving it until the last minute. Instead of spending the whole time breathing down their necks about insignificant details, I spent most my time obsessing over what should or shouldn't be purchased before the shower with what little money was available, and if I'd be able to afford the things I do or did need should I not receive them.

Of course, I received absolutely everything I needed, and in excess in most cases. I also received every thing I wanted too. Even more, I received things I didn't know I wanted or needed, like my best friend's oldest child's baby blanket.

Our girls, despite being 12 years apart in age are as close as sisters, K adores D, and D adores her right back. In fact, D adores K so much that she called me the other day asking if she could give up a few hours of her summertime freedom every day to come and help out with K, so I can have some time to take care of the house and take care of S with out stressing about a hardly supervised or ignored toddler.

Helping K open her baby shower gift: Dora Microphone & Necklace

And that's exactly the kind of thing that made this baby shower a huge success, and one of the happiest memories of recent times for me. Everyone made it their goal to include K on this, they went out of their way. There was never a point that afternoon where I had to worry if she felt ignored, or left out, or confused and overwhelmed. Every time she wandered by the chair I had been sentenced to she had her new Dora Microphone in hand, and if she wasn't directly in sight all I had to do was scan the laps of the women around me. I'm so worried about how K will handle not being my main focus, I worry that she'll feel less important to all the other people who currently adore her. I am terrified that she might even once for half a second feel forgotten. I'm not worried if I can love another child, or love them both equally, I have no doubt I can. My fear is that I just won't be able to give enough of myself to both of them, and that they won't just resent me for it, but will resent each other as well.

This fear consumes me sometimes, but less recently as I've had a spiritual awakening of sorts. All my life I've had fears, and I've had worries, and I've obsessed over them and tried to control them and run my self ragged trying to make what I think should be come in to existence. 99% of the time those fears never come to life, things I never considered happen, amazing things happen. It's only when I spend all my time worrying and trying to control or fix things that it all goes horribly awry. And then not only am I left with a mess of failed expectations, but I also find myself regretting all the time and energy I spent predetermining the situation. Time and energy I could have spent living in the moment, with the blessings I had currently at that time.

So today I'm putting my fears aside, and rededicating myself to the last few days alone with K. To appreciate every moment as a single solitary gem, not to anxiously anticipate what they'll build up to. The very best way to make these the best days is to simply participate in them, and that is what I intend to do!

Mama Musings: Labor, Hormones and General Insanity

I have a theory, that every woman, with in 2-3 weeks of giving birth, goes through this stage of certified insanity. And I don't mean scrubbing the baseboards with a toothbrush crazy, or driving everyone to the clinic to get their whooping cough vaccines, or making a tutu crib skirt (ehm). I don't mean crying because you have hairy legs, I mean crying because your poor legs have to put up with being hairy, because they really don't deserve such mistreatment. I mean off the wall, emotional train-wreck crazy.

I don't have to much experience with this theory myself. With K I was induced, so while I may have been in that crazy zone, there is no evidence that it was labor related. But from what I've witnessed of loved one's pregnancies, there's comes a point where you start to question if you should really be trusting this woman with a newborn then BAM the crazy is gone, and a newborn is here to replace it. Or in some cases the crazy is on pause, but this isn't a postpartum post.

My musings are eventually coming to a point and the point is this: Could the insanity be an indicator of nearing labor? Or am I just another desperate woman looking for signs in stars and tea leaves? Have you noticed anything similar?

Isn't this pretty? No idea what it is.

Anyone who knows me may not say I am the most rational person, they probably wouldn't say I'm the most down to earth, or focused, or calm, some would be hard pressed to declare me sane at all, and I don't blame them! But one thing almost everyone would agree on is that I am by all appearances not a high strung, sensitive or even emotional person. I do have feelings, I'm sure you've noticed that, and I'm capable of reveling in them and enjoying them just like everyone else. The problem, if you want to call it that, is I rarely show them. That is until recently....

Recently I've been crying over things like forgetting to put away the bread, or the way I think people are looking at me. I can make jokes about how huge everyone has recently begun insisting I am, then have a good thirty minute cry when changing my sheets is discovered to be impossible on my own. And it's not the simple fact that I'm crying, it's the emotional charge up that leads to the crying. I quickly go to a point of anger or frustration over the littlest things and then something inside snaps- and instead of finding a rational solution, or just simply walking away even, I resort to a huffing, puffing, snotty large lump.

Several people assure me I'm "right where I'm supposed to be." That the way I feel is based on the level of pain I've been in, the amount of sleep I've gotten, the level of stress I'm under, etc. I agree those are perfectly rational reasons, except 2+2+2 does not equal 100. And I am operating at 100% crazy now.

My theory boils down to this: As we all know, all sorts of hormones are constantly pulsing through our bodies, especially during pregnancy. When a woman nears labor extra hormones are released to prepare her pelvis, ligaments, uterus, cervix and so on. Some hormones also have greater impact on our feelings, so could it be that the hormones my cervix is stewing in currently are also the ones that make any rational human being run for the hills?

And if so, why would humans evolve this way? It just doesn't seem to fit with the concept of self preservation. Please, someone shed some light on this for me, because I really do not trust my own thinking currently, and honestly... like any other irrational woman, I don't want hormones to be "the cause," deep down I want you to tell me my feelings are real, and they are justified and it will be okay princess- even though I know that's not true.